And funny.
And caring.
And protective.
And awesome.
Thanks for being there. I couldn't have asked for a better big brother even if I wanted to.
Here's to you man...
I LOVE YOU!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Happy Birthday Friedrich!
And funny.
And caring.
And protective.
And awesome.
Thanks for being there. I couldn't have asked for a better big brother even if I wanted to.
Here's to you man...
I LOVE YOU!
Monday, June 15, 2009
The Short List
I'm not really sure where to start. It's been a while and I'm hoping to get back to blathering on more regularly. I know news travels fast, but not nearly as fast by mouth as it does via the good ol' world wide web. So if you haven't participated in a particular game of telephone that revolves directly around my marriage, you might not have heard that there is no marriage. Or at least as of August 17, there will no longer be a marriage. I mean there was, but it will come to an abrupt and screeching halt. That's right, me and the big D. There are no excuses but there are plenty of reasons, none of which I will be sharing other than for me, it was the right thing to do.
You know, someone recently asked me what it is like to get divorced. It's embarrassing, it's gut wrenching both figuratively and literally, it's freeing, it's terrifying, it feels like someone has removed some vital organ and is doing the tango on it. It basically sucks.
You know, I keep thinking about when I was a little girl. I remember having big plans for myself. After all I was going to be the first female President of the USA. That's right Hillary, that's *my* spot. Heh. I wanted to be a doctor. Then as I grew I wanted to be a nurse. (Some might call that a downgrade, but I tend to disagree.) I still do in fact, but I just can't bring myself to go back to school. There is that little voice in the back of my head telling me it would just be another thing I am merely ok at. So I "settled" for being an EMT and guess what. I love it. It makes me feel like I have a place in this world but it just isn't enough to fill the hole I cram a full calendar in daily in an attempt to fill. Nor would it fill the empty spaces in the checkbook. So what do I do? I work here, I work there all while dreaming of having a job that inspires me. It isn't that I don't like my jobs, but some days I wonder if I am even making a difference in this world. I set the bar pretty high for myself and every time I get close, I push it up just a bit farther. I can't lie, I'm starting to get a neck-ache from spending so much time looking up.
I know each day is what me make of it. We are all adults and that requires us to deal with people and situations we would rather not. That is life. We live, we love, we lose all while demanding and dreaming for more. While wanting more is definitely a good thing, where do you step back and realize that you have it pretty good right where you are? Where do you draw the line? When do you stop raising the bar and enjoy the fact that you are good right where you are?
These are all questions that each person has to answer for themselves. What I want out of life may baffle the next person and what they want may just baffle me. When it comes to strangers you can easily laugh it off and move on. When it comes to your spouse, laughing is usually the last thing you do.
I am truly amazed at how difficult any relationship is. Whether it be co-workers, relatives, significant others, even strangers. Every time we interact with someone we take a piece of them and leave a little piece of ourselves behind. We may not know it, but there is a constant exchange. It is hard enough for most to figure out exactly how they work let alone how someone else works. I still amaze myself at how I react, how I think and how I handle different situations. I guess you could say I am predictably unpredictable. That has to be quite a task to overcome not only for myself but for anyone else that has to deal with me on any sort of basis.
I like to think that I am a good person. Sure sometimes I am the queen of sass, sometimes I have the temper of a hornet but deep down underneath the hurt, bitterness and sadness is a person who would give anything to make everyone happy. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me. I want everyone to be happy. But my basket is empty. My batteries are dead. I'm the last raisin that is stuck to the bottom of the box that no one wants to have unless it was either that or starvation. Okay, so maybe not that bad, but you get the point. I think...
I can't give anyone a real reason as to why I decided to file for divorce. I'm not sure I will ever have a "good" reason. What I can tell you is that I can't believe it was a mistake. And neither was marrying Kyle. I learned a lot from him and a lot about myself in the process. Do I have regrets? You bet. Do I wish things could have been different. Sometimes. But I will never apologize for doing what I think is best for me. I'm not looking to hurt anyone and if I could I would avoid that, but I need to put me first more often and that without a doubt will leave some casualties along the way.
I don't really know where I'm going with my life. I know there are a few milestones I have yet to hit and that I intend to hit before my time here is done. I'm just hoping I can get there with fewer scars than happy memories.
You know, someone recently asked me what it is like to get divorced. It's embarrassing, it's gut wrenching both figuratively and literally, it's freeing, it's terrifying, it feels like someone has removed some vital organ and is doing the tango on it. It basically sucks.
You know, I keep thinking about when I was a little girl. I remember having big plans for myself. After all I was going to be the first female President of the USA. That's right Hillary, that's *my* spot. Heh. I wanted to be a doctor. Then as I grew I wanted to be a nurse. (Some might call that a downgrade, but I tend to disagree.) I still do in fact, but I just can't bring myself to go back to school. There is that little voice in the back of my head telling me it would just be another thing I am merely ok at. So I "settled" for being an EMT and guess what. I love it. It makes me feel like I have a place in this world but it just isn't enough to fill the hole I cram a full calendar in daily in an attempt to fill. Nor would it fill the empty spaces in the checkbook. So what do I do? I work here, I work there all while dreaming of having a job that inspires me. It isn't that I don't like my jobs, but some days I wonder if I am even making a difference in this world. I set the bar pretty high for myself and every time I get close, I push it up just a bit farther. I can't lie, I'm starting to get a neck-ache from spending so much time looking up.
I know each day is what me make of it. We are all adults and that requires us to deal with people and situations we would rather not. That is life. We live, we love, we lose all while demanding and dreaming for more. While wanting more is definitely a good thing, where do you step back and realize that you have it pretty good right where you are? Where do you draw the line? When do you stop raising the bar and enjoy the fact that you are good right where you are?
These are all questions that each person has to answer for themselves. What I want out of life may baffle the next person and what they want may just baffle me. When it comes to strangers you can easily laugh it off and move on. When it comes to your spouse, laughing is usually the last thing you do.
I am truly amazed at how difficult any relationship is. Whether it be co-workers, relatives, significant others, even strangers. Every time we interact with someone we take a piece of them and leave a little piece of ourselves behind. We may not know it, but there is a constant exchange. It is hard enough for most to figure out exactly how they work let alone how someone else works. I still amaze myself at how I react, how I think and how I handle different situations. I guess you could say I am predictably unpredictable. That has to be quite a task to overcome not only for myself but for anyone else that has to deal with me on any sort of basis.
I like to think that I am a good person. Sure sometimes I am the queen of sass, sometimes I have the temper of a hornet but deep down underneath the hurt, bitterness and sadness is a person who would give anything to make everyone happy. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me. I want everyone to be happy. But my basket is empty. My batteries are dead. I'm the last raisin that is stuck to the bottom of the box that no one wants to have unless it was either that or starvation. Okay, so maybe not that bad, but you get the point. I think...
I can't give anyone a real reason as to why I decided to file for divorce. I'm not sure I will ever have a "good" reason. What I can tell you is that I can't believe it was a mistake. And neither was marrying Kyle. I learned a lot from him and a lot about myself in the process. Do I have regrets? You bet. Do I wish things could have been different. Sometimes. But I will never apologize for doing what I think is best for me. I'm not looking to hurt anyone and if I could I would avoid that, but I need to put me first more often and that without a doubt will leave some casualties along the way.
I don't really know where I'm going with my life. I know there are a few milestones I have yet to hit and that I intend to hit before my time here is done. I'm just hoping I can get there with fewer scars than happy memories.
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